Ugliness brings its own lessons, and by looking my monsters straight in the eye, I hope to gain more insight. What are they here for? What do they want to teach me? And what do they need to be gently lulled back to sleep?
This week: Jealousy
I find you ugly and am ashamed of your presence. I used to use you as a motivator. When you reared your green head, it was a sign for me to work harder. A little harder each time, until I was dizzy from my own vicious cycle and had worked myself to the bone. Then I retired and turned the tide. Naively, I hoped it was a final goodbye, but I should have known you'd show up at my doorstep again.
Now you’re back. You’re worming your way in again, casting your shadow over sunny moments and snickering when I look at the world through your lens. Arm in arm with Miss Perfectionist and Miss Control Freak, I rush to the front lines, ready to protect what is mine or what I think I deserve. My tone sharpens, my judgments harden, and my perspective narrows. When you’re around, there’s no room for vulnerability, honesty, or love. When you’re around, there’s no room for me.
Last night, you nearly tempted me into a fight. Mr. Simplesap and I stood on opposite sides. But a look in his eyes brought me clarity. How wonderful it is to live with someone who mirrors your behavior so sincerely and loves you unconditionally. When my self-love falls short, his love is always there to give me a gentle nudge. I hadn’t realized I was slowly turning greener. My mouth was already filling with reproaches, my eyes were searching for a stick to swing. Distracted by envy, it took a while before I could truly see the value of your invitation. I was ashamed of you and so busy trying to push you away that I didn’t even notice what you were really trying to say.
You invite me to take up space, to pause and reflect. What’s going on? What exactly am I jealous of? What am I lacking? Turns out, I’m jealous of Mr. Simplesap’s ability to “get away.” No hospitals, no Endobitch just a break, time to recover, and partying. But for me, the whole party happens in my body, and unfortunately, there’s no escaping that. Right?
Jealousy, you are my masked desire. By welcoming you and staying open, I create space to discover what I actually need. Right now, I mostly need rest, space, and energy. I want to believe again, to be able to place hope in the things we’re doing to fulfill our wish for a child. I want to enjoy the little bursts of joy that bubble up when we go on adventures or when inspiration sneaks up on me in an unguarded moment. So that’s what we’ll be focusing on in the coming period.
Dear jealousy, thank you for your insights. I still think you’re ugly, but I’m no longer quite as ashamed of you.
Maybe there’ll come a day when I no longer need your presence when I’ve formed a stronger connection with my desires and needs, and they can enter unmasked.
The next time you step over the threshold, I promise to take a good look at you before trying to push you out.
Promise!
Monstrous Monday: The Introduction