"I was a natural disaster waiting to happen."
Selamat datang and welcome to my first blog for Kata². This is my story, about how I started my recovery and what I was able to learn from it.
This is the place where I, Betty share my experiences and take you on a journey. Now I will be honest this story is not about sunshine and rainbows. Most of you already guessed it on our Instagram poll, so yes I'm going to share my adventures about mental health care and similar government institutions. This is definitely not a wailing wall, but I believe that these topics should be discussed more. Because how do you ask for help if you don't have the energy and are actually already exhausted? Where should you go if you need mental care and perhaps even more important to know, what help did I think I needed in my situation?
I am 27 springs young as I write this and can say that I am a depression veteran, trauma survivor and creative centipede. My Moluccan roots come from my father and my Dutch roots from my mother.
But now the piece I find very hard to share, my luggage. I'll stay on topic, so we'll go through customs proverbial. I put my luggage on the table and go through it one by one. But what is found? This was exactly the question my psychologist was also working on. For example, we not only found dyslexia, but there was also Tiëtze syndrome, early childhood traumas, a history of bullying at primary school and a major depression. But surprise², there was more...I was a natural disaster waiting to happen.
I was endlessly looking for my place in the world, but most of all I was looking for, you guessed it, love. I was depressed from an early age, which led to a number of failed suicide attempts in my teenage and young adult years. An addiction history with alcohol, drugs and daily suffering from mental breakdowns did not help the situation either. I was great at disguising my problems. Few people around me knew about this. I was flooded with shame and fear. And I didn't want to use the last bit of pride I had to ask for help.
As I write this I'm laughing a little to myself because it's true what they say. When you look back on certain situations, it's sometimes so laughable how difficult I was. Anyway, back to my story. In 2018 I could no longer disguise myself. I ended up on sick leave. I had no energy left, and cried every day for 2 weeks without exaggerating. 20 years of pent up emotions took over, and I couldn't even get out of bed. I didn't want to talk or listen anymore, because I couldn't take it anymore.
After many visits to the doctor, I was prescribed medication that numbed my senses so that I could get through my days better. But I sank deeper and deeper into the sand and saw no way out. For 20 years I faithfully packed my luggage in my backpack every day, but now I ran out of space. I could no longer vouch for myself, I became forgetful and therefore a danger to my life. I forgot where I was, important appointments, bills or turned off the stove after cooking, just to name a few. I switched off completely at times because I couldn't handle the pressure and emotions anymore.
It took 3 months before I was finally invited for an intake interview at a psychopractice. It felt like a good match. I know this isn't the case for everyone, and I also know I'm lucky to have found a good match so quickly. But, that doesn't change the fact that it was hard! However, after my intake phase, it soon turned out that I was not quite in the right place. This says nothing about how great my psychologist was. She was the first person I confided in! And I can't put into words how grateful I am to her for that. She did everything she could to give me the help I needed at that moment.
Thanks Linda, for the good care!
I have a complex PTSD, chronic depression, disturbed personality development and other specified dissociative disorders
That is quite a mouth full and believe me, this was very confrontational to hear, because I was still quite in my denial phase. But despite the specialization in trauma processing, my psychologist also believed that I needed more time and help. It takes more than 1 person to put someone back in his or her strength.
My psychologist worked with me to find care providers that specifically matched my diagnosis and needs. This search resulted in 3 options. But the best choice required me to move. Because 4 days a week 3 hours of travel due to intensive treatment was not a realistic option. There was also a waiting period, so I went to the GGZ to bridge the gap and fall completely into a hole.
The PTSS broken pilot
I became part of a Pilot that helped people with a complex form of PTSD to reintegrate into society in a group setting. A project that was still in its infancy, because many projects and groups are often developed for veterans. EMDR was one of the first treatments that was offered to me, despite the fact that my previous psychologist had already tried this with very negative results. The results of this can be found in full in my medical file, but the GGZ did not consider this important to take into account. For example, I was repeatedly advised to do EMDR anyway, and I constantly had to indicate my limit. Something that had no positive effect on my recovery and the indications associated with it.
EMDR upset me so much that it made me suicidal. Something my previous psychologist had already established and therefore tried to protect me from it. It became clear to the care provider where I started in 2019/2020 that consciously reliving or discussing my trauma increases the risk of psychosis. Of course we didn't know this at the time, but it's strange that the GGZ didn't do a proper investigation into this before repeatedly putting me under pressure to follow an unwanted treatment.
Wil jij meer weten over EMDR? Lees hier wat Psyned schrijft over EMDR
In retrospect, the period at the GGZ, which was intended to bridge the gap, has been very difficult for both me and my partner. Because while I joined the group, life went on as usual. I scheduled appointments but was always rejected because I was too complex or not sick enough to be admitted. This made me feel desperate and hopeless. But eventually I found my match in Care To Change and got on the waiting list. I secretly dared to hope again, but the end was not yet in sight. Because then the first lockdown came and everything was delayed.
To be continued.
Veel liefs,
Betty
Insured you know