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Death

You will never be my friend, but neither will you be my enemy.

Monster or ally, tyrant or savior, no one is as multifaceted as you.



You make no distinction and accept us all just as we are. So why is it so hard to acknowledge your existence? Of all the dragons I try to tame, you are the greatest and most terrifying. For myself, I have made peace with your arrival, but for the people around me, fear grips my heart. What would I do without them?

The older I get, the better I get to know you. But I don't think I'll ever be able to truly understand you. Your sense of timing is unmatched and inexplicable. Sometimes, you came as grace, eagerly awaited, with people ready to go with you. I would ask you to quietly and swiftly wrap your arms around them and take them with you. Without decades of struggle or final days filled with unbearable pain.



Other times, you were gently invited to end unbearable suffering or a life still in bud. It is not for me to judge those who choose your arrival, but the despair and sorrow clutch at my throat. And then there were the times you struck hard and mercilessly. Like a hurricane, you tore through my life, ripped people away, and left deep scars.


You cannot be tamed. 
Still, I keep trying.


I challenge you by speaking of you, stripping away every taboo. I make plans for how it might be once you have taken me. If I cannot tame your timing, I will direct my own departure. I run a few steps ahead of you, fill my life with plans, to show you I have no time for you. At times I drink in every detail with greedy, heightened awareness, because it could be the last.



Your gravity gives life its value, makes me realize that every moment is unique and irreplaceable. Sometimes your hot breath on my neck makes me shrink with fear. Generations silently shift to make room, but the place after me is still empty. Will we get the chance to pass on what we’ve received in life, or will it remain just a dream?


Aware of your coming, I cherish the past and embrace the present. We will meet again, many more times of that I am certain. But when I live from Love, your arrival is more a promise than a threat.


Aca

Death
Aca Siwabessy-Stoffels July 28, 2025
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Self-criticism
You are one of the most well-nourished monsters in my life.